Other People's Children- The Silenced Dialogue

Reading Lisa Delpit in Other People’s Children felt personal to me because I immediately connected her ideas about the “culture of power” to my own experiences living and working abroad. Delpit writes that being explicitly taught the rules of a culture makes it easier to navigate, and I felt the truth of that deeply. There were times in my travels when I felt frustrated and even unintelligent simply because I did not understand unspoken cultural cues.

In Vanuatu, for example, I encountered a very passive communication style that prioritized not upsetting others. Direct disagreement was rare, and feedback was often indirect or softened to preserve harmony. As an American, accustomed to more direct communication, I often struggled to interpret what people truly meant. In classroom settings there was also a strong emphasis on following the model and being the same as others. I sometimes felt disoriented, unsure of expectations, and hyper-aware that I was missing something everyone else seemed to understand intuitively. It was not a lack of intelligence—it was a lack of access to the code.

In Afghanistan, the disconnect felt different but equally powerful. There were cultural norms related to women’s roles and interactions that did not always apply to me as a foreigner. At times I was granted flexibility; at other times I was unsure whether expectations applied to me. That ambiguity created its own kind of tension. I was constantly reading the room, trying to determine which rules governed the moment. .

In Afghanistan- I was often able to do things that other women were not allowed to due to cultural and/or religious norms. Shoveling out the car on the way to a classroom was communicated directly to me as a "man's job". TBH much to my relief!

Photo: On the road in Ghor Province post- TB takeover

Delpit’s argument that students who are not already participants in the culture of power benefit from explicit instruction resonates strongly with these memories. I think about students in my classroom who may feel that same frustration I felt like something important is happening beneath the surface, and they are not quite fluent in it. If I, as an adult professional with years of education, could feel “stupid” when I did not understand cultural cues, how much more vulnerable might students feel when navigating academic language, behavioral expectations, or social norms that are not fully explained?

These experiences make me want to intentionally apply the cross-cultural competencies I have developed to my classroom. Living abroad required me to observe carefully, suspend judgment, seek clarification, and accept that different communication styles are not deficits. I want to bring that same stance to my students. That means being explicit about expectations rather than assuming shared understanding. It also means affirming the value of the codes students already possess.

I am especially struck by how often my students talk about code-switching. Many of them, particularly those preparing to transition to high school, are already aware that they will be navigating more diverse spaces in terms of ethnicity and socioeconomic background. They speak openly about adjusting how they talk, dress, or present themselves depending on context. In some ways, today’s students have more language to describe these shifts than previous generations. There is more public conversation about identity, power, and code-switching. Yet the emotional weight of navigating multiple codes remains real.

This article from NPR Code Switch- has a quote that relates to this directly

I learned early on, thanks to that g-word nonsense, that expertly navigating another culture wasn't a rejection of where I'd come from or a signal that I was any less authentically black. And returning to my roots wasn't being phony or perpetrating a put-on.

It was being fully who I am.

This is a lesson too many other young people from too many other cultures have to learn the hard way — making their way in an American culture that too often still demands assimilation or marginalization.

As more cultures join America's melting pot, that's why code-switching remains so valuable.

It's a reminder to be fully who you are at all times, while making sure you're understood well enough to be valued, respected and considered.

https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/04/10/176234171/learning-how-to-code-switch-humbling-but-necessary

Delpit argues that students must both value their home code and understand the power realities of the dominant one. My own experiences abroad remind me how disempowering it feels to lack access to unspoken rules and how amazing it feels when you do have a better understanding of both codes.

NPR Code Switch Podcast: Dispatches from the School Yard

https://www.npr.org/transcripts/704860132